Per The Conversation

Per our conversation the other night. I've  been grappling with really atheist type feelings the past 3-4 years, which is interesting since most people go the other route when they have kids. But anyway, I would shift back and forth. Basically intellectually I wanted to believe that there was something, more some force at work. I created a lot of logical arguments and also looked to a lot of the sources and teachers I respected but I still had this feeling of you're on your own in this. At the same time I saw evidence everywhere that you can't just be on your own, too many coincidences, miracle type things.

Anyway the other day I was thinking about this probably after hearing something on the radio or addressing the numerous theological questions that the kids love to bring to me. And I thought it might not be that I'm dealing so much with a lack of faith as I am a lack of connection. The past few years have really required that I focus a lot on day to day problems, the numerous issues of the moment. When I was younger I had the time to be in the woods, to sit in the woods, to be with nature, and to flesh these things out with like minded folks (Jim, you, David, Alexs).

It was interesting how the shift in thought changed my perception. There's also something to be said for all the buddhist/taoist wisdom of not thinking so much/trying so hard. I think its just that when your challenges shift from being more existential to more human daily issue based you look for something different from a spritual force and that caused me to lose my understanding and instead look for some classical, outward being that would help me address whatever challenge I was dealing with. Like new problems pulled me out of my comfort zone and disrupted that connection, so now perhaps the path is returning to that connection without creating a comfort zone.

Anyway, food for thought.